The day I decided to take a hiatus from church
I still remember the day I decided to take a break from church.
For months I had been spiralling after attending the church service each Sunday. I’d go to church, hear the sermon, and it was like every word spoken from the pulpit, every song I heard sung from the congregation was pointing a nasty finger at me, telling me I was defective. I couldn’t get it right. I was unlovable.
Some people might think this is good. That I was being “convicted” by the Holy Spirit of my sin and contrition, but that wasn’t what was happening. It was more like I was wearing dark-tinted glasses, and every thing I heard was being filtered through the lense of self-hatred.
Every week I’d go to church. And every week it would take me about a week to recuperate. So one Sunday, I told my husband, “I can’t do it. I can’t go to church. I need a break.”
I didn’t want to go to church. But I also didn’t want to stay home by myself while the rest of my family went to church. I felt bad for going. I felt bad for not going.
So, my husband, in his ever-abiding wisdom, decided we could all use a Sabbath—a day of rest—from the regular. So we piled into the car and took a drive into Wellington, where we stopped at a lovely park. We let the littles play on the play-gym equipment, we ran down to the beach to throw rocks into the water, and that’s when I turned around and saw this:
And my eyes welled up with tears. Because I knew this Sabbath, this hiatus from church, this time to take a break, was good for my soul.
Taking a break from church was a significant part of my healing. It may seem counterintuitive—maybe even wrong for some people—but I NEEDED to know that God could love me, even if I didn’t go to church. I needed to break the spell of “religion” and know that it was more about “relationship.”
I needed to break the spell of “religion” and know that it was more about “relationship.”
I’m thankful to say that I have now returned to church. Yes, it took a while, but I can now step into a church again without breaking into a cold sweat.
But, there are days it’s still a struggle. There’s many Sundays where I feel like I don’t belong. Mornings where I don’t feel like going. There’s still sermons that trigger me. Songs that put a bad taste in my mouth. Services that feel “rote” rather than “real.” But the difference is that I now know I won’t be sent to some fiery pit if I don’t go to church. Because it isn’t church that saves you. It isn’t hearing sermons that determine your fate.
No, church is a place where we can corporately say, “We’re all kinda messy.” And we need Someone to help us through that mess. We need Jesus, but we need a village too.
Church is a place where we can corporately say, “We’re all kinda messy.”
Do you need a break from church? It’s okay if you do. God will not abandon you. It can feel really scary, even rebellious, to stop for a while. But taking a break from church doesn’t mean taking a break from God. It can just mean taking a break from religion. From the things you feel you have to do in order to be “loved.”
God will be faithful. He will walk alongside you. ‘Cause, let’s face it: He’s in the business of “redemption.” And if church is a sore spot for you, you can ask Him to redeem it for you. To break the fever of religion and show you that you’re not loved because of church; you’re loved because you’re cherished.
