Wedding “Weight”

I went to a wedding recently. My first one in years. And I’d be lying if I didn’t say I tried to look beautiful for that wedding. You see, I’ve put on a few pounds over the past few years. Sure, some of it’s Covid-weight. Yes, some of its medication weight. But, if I’m perfectly honest, some of it is just pure Sauvignon Blanc weight.

But I wanted to look good. Because I knew there would be a lot of beautiful people there. My sister. My sister-in-law. My nieces. My nephews. They are all gorgeous. And for the last several years I have felt like an ogre in their presence. So, I put in extra effort. I curled my hair. I put on foundation. I eroded the ozone layer with a bottle of spray.

And the minute I saw them, I felt all the beauty drain out of me and all the ogre fill into me.

I felt ugly. But worse, I felt alone. Lonely, if I’m honest.

You see, I was flying solo at the wedding. And there’s nothing fun about that. You don’t have your trusty sidekick to make small talk with; you don’t have people to form a “security circle” with. No, instead I was the awkward aunt who stood in the food line to pass the time; who downed a glass of Sauvignon to ease the situation.

For all the weight I’ve put on, nothing compares to the weight of loneliness.

“For all the weight I’ve put on, nothing compares to the weight of loneliness.”

Loneliness is heavy. It’s painful. It’s a feeling that doesn’t always make sense to the situation. Because you can be having coffee with a friend and still feel lonely. And you can be by yourself and feel content.

For me, I believe my chronic loneliness has to do with feeling valued. I recently read an article that talked about “relational value,” and it’s basically the degree to which you feel you are valued by others, and boy, did I relate to that. Because there is always a part of me that’s looking. That’s testing. That’s subconsciously counting the calls or texts I get. That is making an “evaluation” on my worth, based on how often people reach out to me. It’s an insecure part that feels like nobody thinks of me. Nobody sees me. That nobody sees the beauty of who I am and “wants” it.

I want to be wanted.

I want to be wanted.

I know how childish that sounds. I know how needy that sounds. But I think it “IS” a needy part of me. It “IS” a kid part of me. It’s a part of me that never felt cherished as a child. It’s a part of me that took on shame rather than love. A part of me that never felt okay with herself, so I imagined no one else could be okay with me either.

It’s a part of me that has always felt more “ogre” and less “beauty.”

I know without a shadow of a doubt, that it is still an imperfectly healed area of my heart. I know that because in spite of having a loving husband, loving family and friends, I still often feel chronically lonely.

And so I know I have an “inside” job to do. It means I have to ask God to heal how I see myself. It means I have to keep my self-evaluations in check. To say, “Hey, is this a pesky situation of ‘relational value’ popping up again?”

But it also means I have to feel the feelings. To allow myself to feel lonely, but not to stay there. To keep reaching out. To invite others to see my heart and BELIEVE in the beauty that they see.

Self-acceptance is a journey. It’s a bit like doing weights. The more you practice, the stronger you get. And that is one “weight” that I’m okay with having in my life.